THE NOCTURNAL TURTLE

Anonymous asked: In a duel, Light Saber vs. Wand- which would win?

uh..

Part 1:One Direction Vs. Well…the rest of us

This post will not include my indescribable scrutiny of One Direction but rather give an informative (and a little biased) article on the popular boy band that is sweeping teenage girls across the world with popular songs like “What Makes You Hideous Beautiful” and-

Yeah. I feel the same way. I admit their songs are catchy but if you asked me in fifty years who One Direction is, there’s a likely chance I won’t know or care who the hell that is.

So if we break down the members on one direction and compare them to other famous people their age, we get:

One Direction member Harry Styles, born 1994:

Also born in 1994:

Jamie Lynn Spears: Britany Spear’s little sister who famously became pregnant at 16…what an achievement.

Shailene Woodley: Ironically, played a pregnant fifteen-year-old in the ABC Family series The Secret Life of an American Teenager. WHAT IS IT WITH THESE PREGNANT TEENS?!?!?

Kyle Massey (no, he was never a pregnant teen): That kid from That’s So Raven…and then he did Cory in the House…and then he did Dancing with the Stars…Umm what? But anyways here he is in all his glory:

Okay, okay i’m done with Harry Styles. As you can see, there are kids his age who have clearly accomplished more…by err being pregnant or …dancing. But I mean Shailene Woodley did pick up an oscar nom so that’s pretty impressive.

And then theres a couple other members but I’ll get the rest next week because this post is only half as funny as I thought it would be…I failed :(

-The Nocturnal Turtle

WE’RE BAAAAAAAAACK!

I know…I know you’re excited…really excited.

And thats good.

We’ve made some improvements. Such as:

-No more haikus

-A smidgen of more maturity

-No more irrelevant pictures, just pure satirical posts

-More ideas

-Ummm

-Im just gonna keep adding dashes

-So it looks like we made a lot of improvements

-Blah blah

-Blah blah blah

-IMPROVEMENTSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

-Okay, thats it

As you can see, there are a lot of new things coming to The Nocturnal Turtle…

Shut up harry. And just to clarify, we’ll sign off on posts as ‘The Nocturnal Turtle’. Instead of our names…because that got kinda confusing.

Hoping you’re well,

The N. Turtle

Haiku #4

THIS HAIKU HAS BEEN CENSORED DO TO AN UNACCEPTABLE MESSAGE

DO NOT READ THIS POST

Viewers discretion is strongly advised. DO NOT READ THIS POST WHATSOEVER!

You read this post, didn’t you? Yes, yes you did. Why? Just to prove censorship is BULL. Also, because Amy is here to complain about how crapped up this world is.

So, I was watching this show called Fringe and I noticed that at the beginning of a lot of TV shows they give this little message saying something like: “Viewers discretion is advised: the contents in this program may trigger certain reactions and lapses do to disturbing content. Do not attempt any of this at home.” Well, 1: you’re gonna watch it anyway. 2: telling someone to not watch the show basically means they’re going to watch it. 3: They’re watching it RIGHT NOW!! DUH DUH DUHHHH!!!! 4: 1-3 mean the same thing. DUH DUH DUHHHH!

(overused “Duh” is overused. See what I did thurr???)

 So why am I talking about this? Let’s just say Mrs. English Teacher’s crap has started to effect…affect…um, whatever. Anyway, censorship is actually pretty stupid and if you’re all wondering how to write your essays with “and educated argument” here’s how to do it.

1) Point out that censorship just makes people mad. Angry mom’s on their “protect the children” rants are never a good thing.
2) If the people see it, they searched it. So what if there’s porn?? That idiot probably typed in the search box “hot porn” or “naked people.” Actually, now that I think about it, this blog is probably going to get censored because I’m talking about porn. OH NOES!
3) Who cares? Ron Paul probably does but other then that, nobody!

HERE’S WHAT SHOULD BE CENSORED: Republicans and cats.

BTW: did anyone ever figure out the Alternative Hole Foods thing??? If not, here’s the answer. It’s basically butt food. Get it??? Alternate hole? So, the other alternative hole other then your mouth is your butt. Hahahaha. Butt food, hahahahaa.


The Nocturnal Turtle
      刘 昕

Deliberate Cuss Usage

Its not Amy. Yeah we’re mixin’ it up! Uh..so this is my sad attempt at an Amy-esque enlightening post. 

Well from the title you should have a pretty good idea of what this is about. And if you don’t, WHAT THE SH*TTY F*CK IS F*CKING WRONG WITH YOU, MOTHERF*CKER?!??!? (see what I did there?…exactly)

Anyways, let’s say you’re having this conversation with a friend, or a Walgreens employee, or your great-uncle, or whoever and they say:

“Yeah I was surfing and this huge shark came and like, totally ate my board!”

Now I guess maybe your great-uncle wouldn’t say that but WHO KNOWS, maybe your uncle is like a super pro olympic-surfer…err maybe not. And then let’s say that you reply:

“F*ck man, no way! D*mn, that’s totally bad*ss! (Insert additional swearwords here)”

And suddenly your uncle/friend/Walgreens employee is looking at you like, Woah, this dude curses like a sailor/my mother! He’s so cool! I wanna be like him.

Now, whenever your pro-surfer uncle/friend/Walgreens employee talks to you, they add in all these extra swearwords and preform what is called “DELIBERATE CUSS USAGE”. Actually I should change that to “DELIBERATE AND RIDICULOUSLY FREQUENT CUSS USAGE”. For example, 

“Yeah I was surfing and this huge shark came and like, totally ate my board!”

Becomes:

Sh*t, this b*tchin shark came and motherf*ckin bit my d*mn board!

And now imagine this vocabulary becoming constant and every other word you hear is cursing! Now, I’m not saying that everyone should stop cussing and I’m not saying I don’t do it, but seriously. People need to curse only if they were born cursers! You don’t just become one overnight! It takes practice and skill. Cussing is an art, and there are few in this world who can claim that they are thoroughly skilled in that expertise. For example I have compiled a list of accomplished cussers:

Hoodlums…that’s an evasive way of saying black people

And non-accomplished cussers:

Kids at private schools who try really hard…sorry, guys you just don’t have the SKILLS!!!

Now here’s a list of how to become an accomplished cusser:

1. Listen to explicit rap music 24/7

2. Watch any of the following:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_films_that_most_frequently_use_the_word_%22fuck%22

3. Visit your local ghetto neighborhood and make some friends

4. Learn all the jargon on urbandictionary.com

5. Practice swearing with inanimate objects (Ex. doors you bump into unexpectedly…or trees)

6. Get ready to fill up that swear jar in just a few days!

WARNING: These steps should not be practiced in front of teachers, parents, dentists (even if they put you through excruciating pain just to get one tooth out), orthodox Christians, junior kindergartners, seniors, or Hallmark employees. 

Ta-Da! You are enlightened.

-The Nocturnal Turtle